Once, When You Were Mine
by tvdunlop
Summary: As Alma struggles to build her new life, she realizes she hasn't gotten over Ennis. As they reconnect she realizes she didn't really know him. Can they help each other move on? Ennis decides to let Jr. into the imtimate world he shared with Jack. 13 up!
1. Over a Cup of Coffee

Alma stared out the window. She had been remarried for almost three years. Ennis was walking up the driveway; he had the same white hat on and moved with the same gait that had made her fall in love with him to begin with. He was a stranger to her now she knew, but sometimes she had to admit she was still in love with him. Nothing would change how she felt about Ennis Del Mar. He had captured her imagination, a cowboy, both tender and fierce. He had destroyed her too, that she knew. This would end up as just another awkward encounter with her ex-husband.

"Ennis," she greeted him at the door. She was expecting her second child with her new husband.

"Alma, are the girls ready?" he looked tired.

"They're in town getting a few things, they should be back any minute," she stepped back inviting him in.

"Something to drink?" She offered him wondering what he'd say.

"Coffee would be great," he couldn't bring himself to smile at her.

She brought him the coffee and sat down opposite him, "how are thing Ennis?"

Ennis met her eyes this time, "Jack died," he didn't know why he was telling her this.

Alma felt a well of emotions rise, she was resentful of Jack. She always would be, he had ruined her life and destroyed her marriage. However, he had also destroyed the one man she loved.

"I'm so sorry Ennis," she placed her hand on his arm searching his eyes for some emotion.

Ennis looked down fighting tears, "I should wait outside," he stood quickly startling her.

"No Ennis wait," he looked down at her.

"Alma, it's not fair of me, I know that now," he seemed to want to apologize.

"You shouldn't have to apologize for love," she responded gently.

"How about for hurting you then," he studied her gentle gaze.

"You did hurt me Ennis, but after a while I came to accept he offered you something, some comfort that I never could."  
"I think he was beaten because of it, beaten to death, I think his wife lied to me," Ennis choked out.

"Oh Ennis, it's not your fault," Alma tried desperately to make him see he wasn't to blame.

"You always were there for me Alma, and I hurt you too, I loved you Alma," he rambled.

"Hush," she guided him back to his chair, "I know you did, but it wasn't the right kind of love Ennis, we both know that."

Ennis met her eyes allowing her to see the real him for once, the real emotion and turmoil in his eyes. Alma was taken aback by the pain, he had loved Jack, loved him beyond anything she'd imagined.

"Ennis, if it means anything to you, I don't hold you responsible for what you felt, you loved him. I'm happy now Ennis, really," she tried to reassure him.

"No you aren't," his tone caught her by surprise.

"I beg your pardon?" she stiffened.

"Alma I hear the girls coming. With all due respect, I know you're trying to make me feel better, but don't lie to me," he put his hat on and looked down at her making her weak in the knees with his intense gaze.

"You aren't happy, not like you deserve to be, no man is worthy of you," he strode out to meet his daughters.


	2. Family Picnic

Note I don't remember the name (was it given) for Alma's second husband so I'm going to call him John. I do not own his character or the name, whatever it is.

Ennis dropped his daughters off that evening watching their stepfather greet them with a hug. John was a good family man who was clearly able to provide Alma and his daughters with the life he'd never been able too. Jack had given him love, but taken away his chance to create a family. He often wondered what it would have been like if he'd never met Jack. Would he and Alma have been able to make their marriage work? He knew in his heart that she had put her all into their marriage. Her lovely smile and gentle nature had made it easy to forget that she could be hurt by him.

Alma was washing the dishes as she watched Ennis sitting in his truck. He had a pensive look on his face. She turned as her family entered the room, "Dinner's ready, set the table please girls."

They hustled to get the table ready and John came up behind her, "how's the baby?"

"Good," she nodded, "I'm going to say goodbye to Ennis."  
Ennis pulled himself out of his thoughts as Alma came walking down the path.

"Ennis, did you have a nice time with the girls?" She studied him.

"We went to the barns and the rodeo," he hesitated, "they're just like you Alma."

"They have a bit of you in them too Ennis, you're their father." She wondered if he gave himself credit.

"I can't take credit," he seemed to have read her mind, "those girls are yours Alma, and you know, I thank God for that."  
She sighed, he was hurting and self-pitying.

"Dinner?" she couldn't believe she was extending the invitation.

"No," he shook his head, "got to head to the bar."

She looked worried, "Ennis don't drink too much."  
"See you in a few weeks," he put the truck in gear.

Three weeks later:

"How's your mom?" Ennis studied Alma Jr.

"She's fine, busy getting ready for the new baby," his daughter didn't meet his eyes.

"How's John," he couldn't figure out what was pushing him to talk so much.  
"Everyone's fine daddy," Alma Jr. seemed to be avoiding him.

"Okay sweetheart," he didn't push her.

"Daddy, Mom wanted to know if you would come to the family picnic on Saturday," Jenny came up beside him.

Ennis felt surprise creeping through him, "We used to do that," he remembered.  
"She thought you might enjoy it," Jenny looked hopeful.

"Tell your Mom I'll meet you there," he said finally.

Alma was surprised to hear that Ennis had agreed. She packed his favorite food and all the fixings for a feast.

"Looks good," she turned at Ennis's voice.  
"Have a seat," she invited.

He sprawled back on the blanket watching the girls play baseball.

"It's nice here," he said finally.

Alma seemed surprised that he'd spoken, "it's a nice community event," she agreed.

"I mean it's nice to be here with you and girls," he finally clarified.

"I'm glad you could make it," she offered him a faint smile.

"Where's John," he didn't want to pry, but he was a bit curious.

"Business trip," she responded not meeting his gaze.

"Things okay for you these days," he wanted to hear it form her.

"Everything's going well, the baby should be here in about a month," she responded.

"Babies sure keep you busy," he commented.

"Yes, they do," she agreed again avoiding his look.

"I'm sorry," he said it quietly but she heard him.  
"I beg your pardon," she glanced at him.

"The night we were making love," he hesitated, "I accused you of not wanting to have my kids."  
She struggled with her emotions, "Ennis I…"

"Wait, that wasn't fair Alma, I had no right to say that to you, you were right."

Alma felt her heart rate speed up and she struggled to keep her breathing steady.   
"Ennis, that's in the past, we both have to move on," she didn't want him to know how deeply he'd hurt her that night. She knew even then that she'd lost him to Jack.

Ennis watched his ex-wife dishing out the food, she was as strong as the day she'd married him. He was shocked that she'd taken the steps to divorce him, but in his heart he knew she'd done the right thing. He'd been cruel and taken advantage of having her as his wife. Part of him loved her, the part of him needed her, the missing link was created because there was someone else he loved and needed more.  
"Food's ready girls," his train of thought was broken by Alma calling the girls to eat.

He stared at his plate, it was his favorite food.   
"Alma," he spoke her name and met her smiling face when he looked up.

"Enjoy," she turned to their daughters and he was left reflecting on how this little gesture had once again made him feel just a bit more understood.

He helped them load up the car, "You need me to follow you back and unload?"

"No we're fine, we're strong," Alma responded walking to the driver's side.

"Bye daddy," the girls waved.

"See you soon," he watched them drive away.

Alma sighed as she drove down the road, she could have sworn she had gotten through to him today. If only things had happened differently between her and Ennis del Mar she could have been the happiest woman alive.


	3. A baby arrives

Chapter 3: A baby is born

Monroe was away again. Alma sighed, the house was clean, the girls were out, and she was tired. She had long since given up trying to sleep. The baby kept her awake. She remembered the early days when Ennis would touch her, when he would put his hand on her belly to feel Alma Jr's kicks. She was feisty, not as much as Jenny. Alma smiled remembering fondly the days when she would pace the floors, during both her pregnancies Ennis would take care of her. She refused to have his children after she feared he would no longer be there for them. Both of the girls still remembered a father who would be there for him and this memory carried them faithfully into the present still believing in him.

Just then a knock on the door startled her. She opened it, "Ennis?"

"I'm sorry to just drop in, I know it's not my day with the girls," he still wasn't much of a talker.  
"Come in," she was concerned seeing the look on his face.

He sat in her living room and twisted his hat in his hands.

"Ennis?" she spoke his name again.

"Alma, I'm sorry to bother you," he doesn't look at her.

"What's wrong Ennis," she doesn't bother to reassure him.

"It's kind of hard," he admits.

"Are you hurt?" she gives him a chance to collect himself.

"No, it's Jack," he knows she knows.

"Oh Ennis," that's a start she thinks.

"Do you have guilt over his death Ennis?" she doesn't want to know this.

"Yes," again he hates admitting these things to her.

He glances up at her and she hasn't flinched, there is no expression on her face that tells him she is angry. She is calm, like she always was.

"Why Ennis?" she doesn't tell him it wasn't his fault. He was always stubborn, some things never change.

"I never made a commitment to him," she does flinch this time, but luckily he doesn't see her.

"You wish you had," she states it for him.  
"Yeah I do," he feels terrible, but she is the only one now who could possibly understand.

"He expected you too, you feel like you let him down," she knows how Ennis feels. She and he had the same relationship. She doesn't tell him that.

"That's about it," Ennis looks up realizing something was off in her tone.

"Alma, I'm so sorry," he feels terrible.

"Ennis, don't, it's not your fault," she turns, "I'm getting us some drinks."

As soon as she is in the kitchen, she turns on the sink water and tears come. She weeps for her time with Ennis, for his loss, for hers. She sobs over the love he never had for her, the love she hasn't lost for him. She grieves for their daughters who will never know why their parents grew apart. She acknowledges that her life has moved on and she must accept the terms and help him now.

"Tea or coffee?"

Ennis is surprised, only mildly, that she was only gone about five minutes. Alma had always kept house, tea and coffee brewing was one thing she prided herself on.

"Coffee," Jack's favorite.

She took tea; they sat together and said nothing.

He glanced up at her, always calm, but her eyes were very red. There was no swelling, but the signs of hidden tears were there.

"I should go," he stood up.  
"I'll tell the girls you said hello," she stood with him.

He turns and makes it to the front door before he hears her gasp.

He spins around to see her clutching her belly and in an instant he is taken back almost 20 years.

Flashback

Ennis walked through the door to dinner. It was one place set and that was it.

"Alma," he was puzzled, his wife always ate with him.

"In here," he heard her voice.

She was cleaning in the bedroom, "Why is there only one place set?"

"I ate, I'm sorry Ennis, the baby, I wasn't feeling well."

He nods to show he understands.

"Ennis, are you working tomorrow," her tone is quiet.

"It's Saturday Alma, of course I am."

"Will you come home on time?" her tone is pleading.

"Sure Alma," he walks towards the kitchen and hears a gasp.

Turning on his heel and rushing to his bent over wife he realizes.

"It's time?"

"Yes," she is trying to stay calm.

Present

Without wasting a moment Ennis grabs the familiar hospital bag sitting by the door and ushers his ex-wife into the truck.

"This is my…this is Alma," he corrects to the receptionist.

"Right this way," Alma is being wheeled away from him.

"Wait," the nurse stops at her voice.

"Ennis," her voice is gentle, but once again pleading.

He comes up and grabs her hand, "I'm here," he remembers this well.

Alma is irritated and confused. Monroe is gone, his office can't find him. She is in labor and her gay ex-husband is here with her. The worst part is and the reason she's irritated, is because she likes this. She wants him, not Monroe. "Push," his voice makes her remember her other children. But this is different because it's not hers and Ennis's and she's not happy.

Ennis watched Alma struggle; this was like the previous two times.

"One more push," the baby comes out and Ennis feels love before he remembers this is not his child.

Alma is holding the baby, and she has eyes only for it. Ennis stands and Alma looks up, "Thank you," she whispers. He nods as the door is flung open, "Alma love, are you all right?"

Monroe is there and he's already where Ennis was a moment ago. Ennis moved over quickly, it was not his place; it was the father's place. Kissing Alma on the forehead he admired his child. Monroe glanced at Ennis, "What's he doing here?"

"He was dropping off Jenny's bag when I went into labor," Alma responded calmly.

"Thank you," he extended a hand to Ennis.

Ennis took it, "Congratulations," he made his exit.

Watching the family through the door, he couldn't help but notice how Alma didn't cuddle next to Monroe, but rather handed the child to him and watched him enter another world leaving hers in peace.


	4. Family Secrets

Alma was exhausted; taking care of babies took more energy than she admitted. She was older now and the constant crying was difficult. Monroe loved the baby, but he wasn't like Ennis had been; at least back when the kids were young. When the babies had cried, Ennis had gotten up, Monroe rarely did. Alma understood because he worked so much and was away so often, but she resented having to do everything in the house herself.

She went downtown for some food. She was putting the bags in the truck when she noticed Ennis stumbling out of the bar with a pretty blonde haired woman.

She felt her heart crumble, what was he doing?

Suddenly he stopped and a fight ensued, Alma watched breathlessly.

The couple separated and Ennis began stumbling down the sidewalk.

Alma climbed in and drove until she was next to him, "Ennis get in."

He looked up at her, eyes full of pain and unfocused, "Alma."

"Now," her voice booked no argument, she was stronger than when they had been married.

She knew there would be no scandal that the two of them were driving off together; she suspected most of the town knew Ennis was gay.

She pulled up outside the house and hesitated, "can you make it inside or should I help you?"

He flinched as if being reminded that he was old, drunk and alone was more painful than the truth. The truth that Jack's death was still tearing him to pieces.

"I can walk," he announced attempting to stand up-right as he opened the door and stepped onto the ground.

Three trips later Alma had brought everything into the house, "here," she handed him a hot cup of coffee.

"How's the baby?" Ennis looked up at his ex-wife.

"He's good, a real sweetheart," she turned away.

"Monroe must be proud," he responded half-heartedly.

"Yes he is, he's not around much," Alma walked out abruptly feeling guilty for speaking ill of her husband.

"Something wrong?" he leaned against the door frame.

"No, nothing's wrong, are you staying for dinner?" She didn't dare look at him.

"Alma, quit hiding from me," he wanted her to tell him what she was agonizing over.

"Ennis, please," she had a hint of irritation in her voice.

"I know you," his voice caused her own throat to close up and bile to rise.

"No, you don't, you never did," her voice wasn't accusing but simply lost.

"Yes I did," he retorted.

"No Ennis, you didn't, you didn't understand that you hurt me by lying, hurt me by leaving, and hurt me by ignoring me. I was your wife! Don't you think I deserved a little credit for understanding you all those years? I knew where you went, I knew why, but I wanted you to be happy."

He stared at her pained face, "Alma, I couldn't help the way I…"

"Stop, don't tell me you couldn't help it Ennis, I know that! You always treated me like an innocent fool, well I'm not. The day I saw you two making out in the yard, I grew up Ennis. I knew then that life wasn't fair, that God had some greater point than the love of a husband and wife. It was love between two souls and you know what, I hurt then Ennis. I hurt now," she composed her voice, "I know you couldn't help it, but don't pretend that you understand me Ennis, you don't know anything about me. You could never take the time to know."

She met his eyes evenly, "I think you need to leave."

Ennis shifted his weight, "I loved you once," he finally said.

"I know," she nodded.

"Thanks for the coffee," he turned and made his way out and down the street towards town.

"I love you now," she whispered.

Alma Jr. arrived home to find her mother washing dishes. She was eighteen years old. She was beautiful, elegant and growing independent, but her ability to read her mother had been there even long ago.

"Mom," the teenager studied her composed mother.

"You're right on time for dinner," Alma didn't look at her.

"What's wrong?" Alma Jr. watched her carefully.

"Nothing," Alma turned away from the sink.  
"Dad came by," it was a statement.

Alma straightened in surprise, "what did you say?"

"You're always like this after Dad comes by," her daughter declared.  
"Don't be silly," Alma began taking down dishes.

She glanced at her daughter, "Like what?" she finally asked.

"Like you lost something, dad, all over again," her daughter was way too perceptive.

"Alma, your father and I had a complicated relationship. Things were never easy with us."

"I know mom, but sometimes I think you still wish you were married to him, is this life not good enough for you?"

Alma felt a flash of anger because those were her deepest fears and she was angry at herself for thinking thoughts of a past life.

"Yes Alma, I have you, your sister, your brother, I'm happy."

"You have Monroe also mom, or did you forget about him again," her daughter's eyes were challenging her to say it.

"Of course I have your step-father, I love him, and I love you all very much."

"Mom," the teenager stepped closer, "you never got over dad, why?"

"Alma, things with your father weren't meant to be, but it doesn't mean I stopped loving him."

"No mom, it just meant you could find someone else to take care of you," Alma Jr.'s voice was bitter.

Her mother's voice rose, "How dare you accuse me of using Monroe!"

"It's the truth though isn't it, he's just a convenient body to keep you warm at night," Alma was bitter.

"You don't know what you're talking about Alma; I'd appreciate if you'd have a little more respect for the situation." Alma eyed her daughter daring her to continue.

"What situation mom, things failed with dad, you divorced him and moved on, so why now are you wishing you were back with him?"

"Alma, things with your father came to a head, I had no choice, and it was a loveless and empty marriage."

"So why if it was so empty do you regret leaving?"

"Alma, your father, well, he was sleeping with someone else," Alma didn't want her to know the whole story.

"Who?" Alma Jr. felt confused.  
"Jack," her mother looked down at her soapy hands.

"Wait, cowboy Jack Twist?" Alma Jr. felt like her world had come crashing down.

"Yes," her mother couldn't look at her.

"Dad's queer?" Alma felt her heart racing.

"Your father is a good man Alma, remember that." Her mother didn't answer her question.

"But is Dad que…"

Alma was cut off by her mother, "I suppose he is, but he's a good man, he was a good husband once."

"But he loved someone else," Alma began to see the hell she suffered.

"Sweetheart, I may have been betrayed and cheated on, but it didn't mean I loved him less for who he was, I just couldn't be that woman who stays with her gay husband. There was nothing left for us, I had to let him go and move on with my life. You have to do that too, he's still your father."

"Mom was he good to you, I mean when you were, I mean when…" Alma faltered.

"When we conceived you?" Alma realized her daughter's fear.

"Yeah," Alma Jr. looked at her.

"It's yes Alma, not yeah, and yes he was. Your father loves you and your sister and always was a good father and husband while you were growing up."

Alma began setting the table.

"Why do you let him around here," she asked finally.

"He just lost the love of his life, I know how he feels," her mother stared out the window lost in her own private thoughts.


	5. Searching for Answers

Just borrowing for creative uses.

Thank you for all the reviews, it's wonderful!

Chapter 5: Searching for answers

Alma Jr. sat in her room with a spinning mind. Her father was not queer; her mother had told her that. But Jack Twist, she didn't even remember the first time he'd come to visit. She only remembered those fishing trips. They filled the house with gloom and she never understood why. Her mother would watch the two men drive away and then she would square her shoulders and take the girls out for ice cream. Sometimes Alma Jr. wondered if her mother had used them to justify staying with Ennis. After all, she now reasoned, the affair had been going on for a while.

"Alma," her mother's voice came up the stairs.

She knew it was time for dinner and made her way down the stairs. She met her mother's gaze feeling uncertain.

"Your step-father and sister know nothing of this, nobody does, you are not to talk to anyone," Alma said firmly.

Nodding, Alma Jr. sat down and faced her family feeling dirty with the knowledge she carried.

Ennis del Mar made his way up the steps, he was a few minutes early to pick up Alma Jr. Jenny was spending the night at a friend's house.

"Ennis, come in," Alma stood back.

Ennis brushed by her noticing her tired expression, "things okay?"

"She knows Ennis," Alma didn't say anything else.

"How did she find out," Ennis challenged.  
"Ennis, she's smart, she's curious," Alma defended their daughter.

"I wonder where she got that," Ennis was fearful of his daughter's reaction.  
"Ennis please, let's take this calmly," she pleaded.

"What did she say?" Ennis met her eyes and Alma saw the naked fear written in them.

"She's confused Ennis, but not angry at you," Alma reassured him.

"Daddy?" Alma Jr. had entered the living room.

"Hey honey," Ennis walked up to her, "ready?"

She looked at her mother for permission, "go," Alma forced a smile.

The two headed off, Alma made her way to the window of the house, and there they went. Her ex-husband and her daughter, Alma loved them both fiercely and she knew how deeply devastated her daughter was by the information and how wounded Ennis still was by Jack's death. She wanted to make it all better for them, but she was beginning to see that some wounds were harder to heal than others. What about her own? That was the question that had come up when she had last talked to Ennis. They hadn't discussed that conversation and Alma wasn't eager too. Ennis was trying to be the husband he never was, why now? She knew she was being silly, Ennis still cared about them, he still saw his girls and he still asked her about her life and checked in on her. Why she wondered. She had Monroe, he took care of her. She also knew though that Ennis saw through her façade, he knew she wasn't happy.

"Daddy," Alma Jr. stared at her hands trying to figure out how to approach this subject.

"Your mom told me," he stared straight ahead.

"Why dad?" her voice was broken and confused.

"Alma, it's complicated," he didn't look at her choosing to avoid the look he knew was there.

"Dad, what was it about mom, about us that…"

"Don't you ever think for one minute that I didn't love you and Jenny," his harsh voice was shocking to Alma who had only heard him yell a few times in her childhood.

"But," she started and again was cut off.

"I don't have to justify myself to you, but I never loved you any less Alma," his tone was tight signifying the topic was quickly becoming taboo.

"Dad, did you stop loving mom or did you never love her?"

Ennis's jaw tightened even more, it was a fair question, but he was pained to consider it.

"Dad?" her persistent voice cut through his frantic thoughts.

"I loved your mother once," he responded finally.

"Before you married her," it was a statement, not a question.

"I loved her after Alma, but not like I should have," he corrected.

"It was because of him, and that summer on Brokeback," She said quietly.

Ennis forced his grip on the steering wheel to loosen, "yes," he whispered.

"You came back and married her anyway, why?"

"It was what I was supposed to do honey," he knew it was weak.

"So you hurt her, you didn't tell her you met someone else, that you weren't right for her, you didn't let her go?"

Ennis sighed, "We were engaged, she was ready to marry me, we loved each other."  
"No dad, she loved you," Alma stared at her father.  
Ennis pulled into a gas station, "Alma, some things in this world don't make sense. I loved her, I was set to marry her, and I never questioned it. Why didn't I? I knew Jack and me…" he stopped feeling his chest tightened thinking of Jack. "We weren't ever going to be able to make a life together, I thought after that first summer that I could move on that it was no big deal," he met her gaze, "I didn't think anything of it Alma. It wasn't until years later when he showed up again that I realized what it was."

"What was it," she challenged him.  
"Love," he choked out and climbed out quickly.

Alma closed her eyes, it was pain she saw, and yet she knew that he wasn't to blame, it was all a tragic chain of events

However she also knew something Ennis did not. Alma hadn't moved on, even five years after the divorce she hadn't been able to say good bye to him. She kept the memories and love closely guarded. Alma felt a flash of pain for her mother, sweet gently Alma had a bad hand in life, twice married and never happy. She sighed as her father got back in.

"You all right?" he glanced at her.

"Yes," she lied.


	6. Is This My Future?

Alma glared at the floor. It was sticky with baby food. She had just put Samuel to sleep and had made her way downstairs to clean up his dinner. Jenny entered the kitchen at that moment, "what happened?"

"Your brother decided he didn't want his dinner," her mother's gentle smile and calm expression had always been a comfort to her younger daughter. Jenny had become more graceful recently and Alma could see Ennis's tall lean figure taking over. Jenny was always a bit louder than Alma Jr. but her mother could see her quiet shy side as well. Alma loved both her daughters, but sometimes felt like Jenny was a bit more of a mystery.

"Is something else wrong?" Jenny felt out of place asking.

"No," her mother had a muted air about her and Jenny found herself wondering if the calmness and poise Alma possessed was who her mother was or if she was hiding behind the façade of a perfect wife and mother.

Jenny hesitated, "okay, I'm going to do my homework then go into town with Alma."

"Okay sweetie," her mother didn't say anything else.

Alma quickly cleaned up the mess and was just about to sit down with a cup of hot tea when the door opened and Monroe entered.

"Monroe," she stood quickly.

He gave her a soft peck on the cheek, "love I've just gotten the most amazing opportunity from my boss," he looked genuinely excited.

Alma tilted her head questioningly.

"I'm going to London," his eyes were dancing.

"When," Alma's mind blanked.

"Soon, for three months, I'll make enough money, we can do anything Alma. We can move to the city, we can move across the world, we can buy any house, we can have as many children as we want," he was pacing with a passion that Alma had never seen and in an instant she realized that she was once again in marriage where she was not the true apple of the eye of the man she belonged to.

"Congratulations darling, I'm so proud of you," she responded dutifully.

"Alma, come with me," his eyes begged her to agree.  
"London, Monroe, we have a baby, and the girls are in school," she tried desperately to convey her concerns.

"The girls can stay their father, the baby can come with us, you'll be very comfortable there, you can pursue anything you want," he was offering her the best of what he had and Alma knew that.

"I'll think about it," she said finally.

He gave her a quick kiss and vanished leaving her to her thoughts.

Jenny and Alma Jr. had left earlier in the afternoon and she now sat with her tea contemplating the options before her.

First and foremost were her daughters, and her son. She knew that she could take her son with her to England, it would work out. However, the girls couldn't be uprooted and Ennis, living with him would prove to be interesting. Three months was long, but it would be longer if Monroe was actually there for an even longer amount of time. Then there was Monroe, perhaps this would be the chance to spend time with him as his wife. She knew in her heart that this was an unrealistic hope however, Monroe would be working. She didn't have that many friends here, but she had some, enough anyway to keep her feeling content. In London she'd have to start a new life only to know that sometime in the no so distant future she would have to leave it all behind. Alma hated that idea. Then there was Ennis, where he factored in she would hardly fathom. He was her ex-husband, in many circles; this title would have rendered him an outcast to her situation. However Alma knew that he was the father of her children, if he didn't want to take them, she wouldn't go. If he did, well then, that was an entirely different story. Finally how did he fit into her life? She certainly felt like she was just beginning to understand the man she'd been married too. If she was forced to be practical, her wishes fell in here somewhere. Alma wanted both, she wanted her home, and she wanted a future. She didn't have one here, except as a mother and proud homemaker. This was her past present and future; in London she might be able to achieve hidden dreams. She didn't know exactly when she'd started dreaming about being a writer; probably when she had become less than satisfied in her marriage with Ennis. She had never pursued it, but she had dreamed about it.

She had to go see Ennis.

Ennis opened his front door of his shack and just stared in surprise at his ex-wife.

"Alma, are you alright?"

"Ennis I need to ask you something," she sat at his table.

"Is there anything you want to drink?" Ennis shuffled his feet feeling awkward, he never had visitors. He had lived an even lonelier life since the divorce. People used to talk to him because he was married to her, now they had confirmation of their suspicions. This was how Ennis saw it at least. Needless to say he had nothing to drink except whisky, scotch and probably water.

"No thank you," Alma spared him gracefully.

He leaned against the counter and watched her think.

"What would you think about taking the girls for an extended period of time?"

Ennis was surprised, he knew that Alma liked when he took the girls. She felt it was important for them to know their father. However she had been vigilant about how much time they had spent with him in a quiet way.

"Gosh Alma, I never…" he hesitated, "Why?"

"Monroe got a job offer," she said.

"Where?" he looked down.

"London," she responded and his head snapped up.

Their eyes met and she could see the shock in his and knew that hers were filled with questions and no answers.

"You're goin'" he didn't ask it, he stated it.

"I haven't decided Ennis, but it's at least three months, I can't uproot the girls for that long," she didn't have to say more. They both had the best interests of the girls at heart.

"I know I shouldn't consider it, but Ennis, I feel like I need this," she didn't know what else to say.  
"You want to go with him," Ennis couldn't tell how she felt.

"He's my husband," she avoided his gaze.

"Damn it Alma, that's not what I was askin' about!"

"I know," and she did know. She just didn't want to respond.

"I'll take the girls," he said finally.

"You will?" her head shot up in relief and then with a sinking heart she realized that this wasn't going to help the decision making process.

"Alma, you need to do something for you," he knew her; he knew she wanted and needed this.

"I don't know if I can," she admitted.

"I do," he was a man of few words and honestly she didn't know how she'd ever communicated with him. Jack had understood him and he let Jack know him. He had let Jack in, she had never been allowed in before. What would have happened if Jack hadn't gotten involved?

"Why could I never give you what Jack did?" she looked up.

Ennis sighed, "Alma, I don't know, please don't ask me that," his tortured eyes pleaded and she relented with a small nod.

"I should go," she stood.

"Let me know," he didn't have to confirm anything, she trusted him.

"I will, goodbye Ennis," she walked out to her truck.

"Alma, I meant it, you should do something for yourself," he was watching her with the eyes that had made her fall in love with him. He had a small smile on his face, just like he used to have when he watched her drive away with the girls in the morning, once a long time ago, when he was hers.


	7. I Can't Leave Him

Chapter 7: I can't leave him

I can't go to London. Monroe is furious with me. He's blaming me for wanting to say with Ennis, for not giving us a chance. The worst part is he's right about Ennis. I need to be here, and the other part is I'm afraid of trying to start over. I told him I'd come for half the time, but he's still angry. Monroe is usually really timid so to see him like this is totally surprising. I suppose he really does love me and wants to have me with him. The problem is I didn't necessarily marry him because I wanted to be with him. He's a wonderful man and he does dote on me, but I don't feel any more loved than I did with Ennis. It is funny how these two very different men make me feel so different, but neither one is satisfying.

"Alma," he's talking to me.

"Sweetie, I'm sorry I got mad at you," now he's responding.

I forgive him, that's my duty, "It's alright Monroe, I'm sorry too."

He took me in his arms and I managed not to flinch. I wasn't attracted to this man, I still remember the way he would watch me with Ennis. I knew he secretly liked me and I guess I took advantage of that. He is good to me and a bit of me does regret saying no.

"You'll still come to spend the second half of the stay with me?"

"Yes," that is something I can do, "I'll come in about six weeks."

Monroe is leaving today, the girls and I are waving him off. Now begins a long six weeks of being a single parent to three children. Luckily our girls are grown up and able to care for themselves. They do the dishes, help clean and are always responsible, they're truly a joy and I'm so proud of them.

"Mom, can dad take us out tonight?" Jenny appears reminding me that I'm not alone.

"Yes, no drinking," I know Ennis goes to bars sometimes with them.

"Okay," she's good I know she won't.

Ennis opens the door. That certainly was quick.

"Ennis come in," I hold the door open.

"You decide?"

"Yes, I'm going for half the time," I glance at him.

"The girls know?"

I shook my head, "I'm going to make sure everything works out, I'll tell them in a few days."  
"I'll have them back early," he promises.

"You can take them for the night if they want," I offer.

He shakes his head, "My shack ain't for them, they're getting' to be young ladies," he smiles sadly.  
"They certainly are," I can't help but share a look of pride with him. No matter how things worked out for us, they are still ours and we share a certain devotion to each other through them.

"See ya," he turns putting an arm around Alma Jr.

Watching them leave without me hurts, but I suppose when we were a family we didn't really go anywhere together either.

Ennis sighed watching his daughters. They were giggling over the song choices. He wanted to know why Alma hadn't told them she was leaving also. He was a quiet man and didn't like to pry.

"Dad," Jenny sat down next to him and he glanced at her.

"Dad, when can we drink with you?" he knew it would come.

"Sweetie, bars ain't for ya to drink in," he took a swig of his beer.

"Dad," she pleaded.

"When your momma says, and it won't be with me in bars darlin', it'll be fine red wine at the head of a table of fine folks," he had visions of his children presiding of the finest parties imaginable.

"I just want to have a beer with you dad," Jenny seemed set in her mind.  
"Jenny hush," Alma came up behind them.

"Alma," her sister whined.

"Go pick another song, I want to talk to dad," Alma waited until her sister stalked away.

"She's too eager dad," she sat down beside her father.

"I know," Ennis did.

"Dad, drinking isn't something young women do," she waited.

"Darlin' you'd best be asking your mother, she'll show you how to drink like a lady," Ennis didn't want his daughters coming into bars.

"Jenny doesn't understand why you won't drink with her dad."

"Jenny," he walked over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Why daddy, don't you want to spend time with us?"

"Jenny, you can't drink here because you're not of a good age, and because it ain't proper." Ennis paused, "Your momma will tell ya when you can drink and it ain't to be before that."

She nodded her understanding.

"I love you darlin', I don't want you ever drinkin' in these places, you understand?"

She nodded again.

"Good girl, let's get goin', your mom's gonna worry," he beckoned to Alma placing his other arm around her and walking them to his truck. These were his ladies and they were not going to make a hash of their lives.

Alma studied her ex-husband.

"Did they drink?" he shook his head.

"Good, did they ask?"

"Jenny did," he glanced up.

"What did you say?"

"That she wasn't ever to drink in those places and her momma would set the rules," he responded.

She smiled, "Thank you."  
"Wasn't any trouble, it's the truth," he tipped his hat.

Ennis was torn between what he knew was none of his business and his concern for the woman who had taken him back under her wing.

"Why didn't you go with Monroe?"

"It isn't your business, but I need to be here now," she looked him in the eye and he nodded before showing himself to the door.

Alma watched him leave as she did so many times. She almost wished she could confide in him, but it had been so many years since they had had any sort of connection she barely remembered how.


	8. A Night of Drunken Words

Chapter 8: A Night of Drunken Words

Alma awoke just days after Monroe's departure to soft slurred singing outside her window. She knew instantly that it was Ennis and in a rare moment of girlish thinking allowed herself to imagine she was being serenaded. Ennis had never done that, at least not with his singing, but with his eyes every so often.

She pulled on her robe and opened the door, "its cold out Ennis."  
He looked up startled and her suspicions that he was drunk were confirmed. To Ennis in that moment she was his angel, his savior standing in the doorway to a warm house filled with people who still cared about him, although goodness knows why. He staggered upright and over to her. Alma stepped back inviting him in, but made no other gestures. He slid past her and made his way to the couch burying his face in his hands.

"Coffee?" the hostess in her would never fail he noted through his intoxicated state.

"Please," he spoke with his usually short clip, the word barely having shape in his mouth.

Alma took her time and when she returned Ennis was staring at a picture of the four of them on the window sill.

"Ya still got that one?" he sounded surprised.

"You're surprised?" Alma handed him the coffee wondering what part of her divorce included scenes like this. She didn't pressure him though, it was clear that he had ended up here because he needed help, and even though it was her ex-husband, Alma wasn't without a heart. Plus, he was the father of her children and she did care about him.

"Sort of," he wasn't sure what to respond with.

"I don't regret the life I had with you Ennis, especially not the fact we have two beautiful daughters," she smiled reassuringly at him and he found himself attempting to return it.

"Alma, I'm such a mess," he hated admitting it to her.

He had never been open with her even when they were married so Alma was surprised that he was starting now.

"Jack, I don't know Alma," he bit his bottom lip, "he took somethin' from me and I don't know how to get it back," he wasn't looking at her.

"He took your heart," she whispered.

"Naw, it's still here, it hurts," he confessed.

Hearing him so raw and open Alma felt like crying, this was how he was supposed to feel about her, what had happened to her dreams? She was stuck in a marriage again where she knew that Monroe didn't feel that way about her. Why did Ennis have that and she didn't?

"Ennis I know it hurts, but you have to treasure that pain," she smiled bravely at him, "it means you were loved, and that's something that will never leave you."

Ennis nodded taking a sip of coffee marveling at the fact that Alma's coffee was always the same flavor and the pain was slowly numbing.

"Tried drinking all day to get rid of it," he mumbled.

"It didn't work," she surmised.

"Nope," he gave a short snort.

"Ennis, I don't want you to live out the rest of your life wishing for something that could have been, it already was."

He looked at her seeing her for what seemed like the first time since he went away to Brokeback that summer of 1963.

She smiled at, "the day I saw you two kissing at the foot of the stairs, I knew then that you had something with Jack I could never hope to have with you, and something that people very rarely have enough of. Its love Ennis, love that goes beyond boundaries and problems, it's so pure that no one can touch it, not even you."

"I tried to touch it, I tried to pull away and make him feel guilty," Ennis shifted uneasily.

"Love that strong is unwavering, it overtakes us and for you and Jack it was probably that much worse because of the social situation that was facing you."  
He nodded, "I let him down Alma."  
"You loved him," she sparred back.

"He didn't know," Ennis felt like a terrible person.

"Yes he did," Alma believed that with every fiber in her body.

"Alma that last day, you don't know…"  
She cut him off, "I don't have to, words may hurt, but they'll never corrupt love that is burned into the heart. You and Jack had that Ennis, relish those memories, don't try and corrupt them now, they're all you have left of him," she reached out and placed her soft hand on his weathered one.

He met her eyes, "Oh Ennis," she wanted to cry for him.

"Alma, some days I think I'm gonna die without him," Ennis felt a tear trickle down his face.

"And then you wake up the next morning," she finished.

"Will it always go on like this?" he asked.

"Until you pass, it might," she looked at him.

"I'm tired of living with it Alma," he hesitated, "some days I think it'd be easier," he didn't finish.

"If you finish that thought EVER Ennis del Mar," her eyes were flashing, "Our girls would be…" she couldn't grasp what she was thinking, but it gradually became clear to her, If I lose him I'll be lost also. It was at the moment that Alma realized she and Ennis had parted to meet again, not as young lovers, husband and wife or mother and father, but perhaps as soul mates who could help each other survive lives that neither one of them could control.

"Our lives are beyond us now," she whispered. He met her eyes again.

"Our destinies are beyond us, we have our girls, they're our future," she waited.  
"I know," he knew what she was saying.

"Ennis, stay the night?"

He took off his coat and went to lie on the couch.

"No upstairs," she couldn't believe what she was doing.

"Huh?" Apparently neither could he.

"Just hold me," she whispered.

Ennis watched her as she climbed into the bed, this was wrong, but yet he eased in next to her.

"Alma?" he hesitated.  
"Just put your arms around me."  
He enclosed her and suddenly it was like they were still married going to sleep after a long day and the girls were next door. Her slim body fit his like a glove and the comfort it provided him suddenly felt like a cool salve on his open wounds.

Alma fell asleep feeling safer and more loved than she had since they'd divorced. Ennis's arms were wrapped firmly around her upper body and he was pressed tightly against her. She loved falling asleep like this, she loved feeling his breathing and she was grateful he'd found his way to her window.


	9. Reflection at Brokeback

Reflection at Brokeback

Ennis Del Mar had never spoken freely, except with Jack at times. Today he was amazed at how the words flowed from his mouth.

"Gosh Jack, it's been a while since I've been here. I'm sorry." He didn't know why he was apologizing, but he did feel sorry and guilty.

"Jack, so much has changed, but not my love for you." Ennis knelt near the stream that flowed at the base of the mountain. This was where he'd seen Jack for the last time, admitted that being with him had fucked with his head.

"You tore me up inside because even though I didn't need you physically the way you needed me, but I truly loved you more than anyone. I love my girls, but not in the passionate eternal way I still love you." Ennis smiled.

"Gosh Alma Jr. is getting so big, she's turning into a young woman Jack, and she's my daughter. Jenny is a regular spitfire, but strong like her mother." Ennis paused realizing he is more a part of their lives now.

"Jack, god damn, I miss you every day. I know we didn't see each other a whole lot, but just knowing that you loved me was enough." He thought of Alma, "it's nice spending time with Alma Jack, but every time I see her I'm reminded of how much I loved you. You were the one thing I could never quit, even after twenty years."

Ennis slowly removed his boots and rolled up his jeans wading into the still chilly water, watching his toes get covered over he wondered what was becoming of him.  
"Jack, I swear, some days I just don't know what to do without you. I don't know if you were killed or died by some accident, I don't know what would happen if I found out you were alive." He hung his head, "Jack I swear if I'd known how much I would feel like dying here without you, I would have done more for us, I just didn't know."

Ennis felt so ashamed that he had struggled between Alma and Jack, between two lives. Jack had always been impulsive and committed himself to Ennis with love, but Jack had also slept with other men and Ennis knew that.

"Jack I know you only did what your body craved," he hesitated, "I can't fault you for that, I just wish you hadn't been so god damn stupid and obvious about it," he rubbed his wet cold hand over his face, "maybe then you'd be here with me now."

He studied the large mountain in the distance, "It's going to be summer soon Jack. We both made mistakes with this, I made as many as you did," he smiled thinking of Jack's nativity.

"I think that's what I loved about you, and you made me feel safe," Ennis didn't feel safe anymore.   
"It's a scary world without you Jack, surprisingly, it's even scarier than with you in it," he laughed at his dry humor.

He walked out and sat down on the bank closing his eyes.

Ennis awoke a few hours later as the sun was setting, "it's time for me to get back to my girls," he hesitated.

"Jack, I hope you aren't mad at me for hanging out with Alma and the girls. It's just that she's the only one who really knows and saw us together. She understands," he felt a slight blush, "she saw us kissing Jack and she says ours is the love that is eternal."

Ennis wiped at the tears that had finally slipped, "you know what Jack? She's right about us; she's right about the pain I feel. I'm sorry Jack if you think I've betrayed you, I haven't, I'll never love her like I love you, but she gets it Jack and she makes it possible for me to live with the pain. I want to be a part of my girls' lives," he hesitated, "and I want to make sure we look out for each other Jack."  
He tipped his hat at the darkening mountain, "See you soon."

Alma was clearing the table while the girls did their work upstairs when she heard an engine. She put on a kettle and walked to the door opening it. He walked past her in a daze. Alma watched him quietly, "did you go to Brokeback?"

"Yeah I'm sorry I took off so fast," he said softly.

"I told the girls you were on a fishing trip," she smiled, "I'm glad you went."  
"Yeah," he didn't elaborate.

"Coffee?"

"That'd be great," he mumbled.

She took the opportunity to let him collect his thoughts and returned a few minutes later.

"Thanks," he took a sip of the familiar brew.

"Was Jack there?" Her matter-of-fact question took him by surprise.

"What?" He studied her gentle face uncertainly.

"Did you feel Jack there Ennis?" She waited.  
"Yeah I think he was," he managed a smile, "I talked to him easily Alma, I can't do that with most folks."  
"I know," she remembered he'd never said much while they were married.

"I talk to you more now," he stared at the black shimmering liquid.

"Our relationship is different now," Alma said softly, "I think this is allowed."  
Just then the phone rang and Alma picked it up, "Hello?"

She turned away from him and lowered her voice, "Monroe?"

Ennis watched her posture stiffen and then heard, "I was thinking next month."

She hung up a few minutes later looking strained and returned to the chair.

"Was that Monroe?"

"Yes," she didn't offer more.

"What'd he want," Ennis wondered what had happened.  
"Nothing for you to worry about, just planning," she stood, "I'm going to let the girls know you're back."  
A few minutes later his daughters appeared in the room without Alma. They chatted excitedly with him, "Did you bring back any fish dad?"

He tried to think of an answer and then he noticed Alma watching from the doorway, "your daddy ate them," she managed a weak smile, "he always loved fresh fish."

In that moment he saw his life before him, his day with Jack, his betrayal of his wife.

"Dad?" Alma Jr. studied her father.

"Go upstairs," he smiled, "finish your work."

"Alma," he waited until they'd left.

"No Ennis, it's alright, I would have been worried if you came home with some fish," she picked up his empty mug.

"Alma, someday, I want to take the girls to Brokeback," he watched her face.

"I think that's a good idea," she surprised him by agreeing.

"You do?" He raised his eyebrows.  
"I'm sure it's a beautiful place, you look better than you have in weeks, fresh air will certainly do them well," she vanished again.

"G'night Alma," he paused in the doorway.  
"Drive safely," she glanced at him, "there's pie there for you if you'd like it."  
He nodded and picked up it, "thanks."

She watched him climb into his truck and took a moment to reflect on the peace she'd seen in him, "Thank you Jack," the words fell effortlessly from her lips.


	10. Loyalties?

That same evening

Alma Jr. sat at her desk watching her father drive away. She'd seen the look of sadness in his eyes that night. She knew he hadn't really gone fishing, but to a special place where he could be alone with the true love of his life. Sometimes she hated him. Alma Jr. knew her mother had somehow put the past behind her, but she would watch the way her mother interacted with her father and she saw how hurt and confused Alma had been, still was even. She had a great deal of respect for her mother who had let Ennis go. It was the kindest thing she could have done, and perhaps an expression of her love that she would try and bless him as he moved on.

Alma Jr. now wrestled with the knowledge that her father had once again come into their lives, but it wasn't out of love. She was certain he loved his daughters, she had always felt loved. But she knew that he was seeking comfort and understanding from her mother and she often wondered how her mother could continually give. Ennis wasn't someone who reached out easily, why now and why Alma?

Just then a knock sounded on her door, "come in."  
"Honey," her mother stood there.

"Hi," she smiled at her small figure.

"Are you alright?" Her mom sat down next to her and reached over turning on the light so Alma had more light to read by. It was a classic mother gesture.

"Yeah, just Dad's expression when he talked about Brokeback," Alma searched her mother's eyes, "he always looks so lost."

"I know," Alma hesitated, "would you like to go with him sometime?"

"No," Alma Jr. shook her head violently.  
"Sweetie, think about it, I think you'd understand something more about your father."  
"How can you be supportive?" Alma felt like she was accusing her mother, but she couldn't help it.

"What else am I supposed to do?" Alma studied her daughter.

"I don't know, it's a sin," Alma Jr. felt a flicker of confusion.

"No it's not Alma," her mother's harsh tone made tears well up in her daughter's eyes. Alma Jr. may have had convictions, but she hated being at the receiving end of her mother's sharp tone.

"Baby, love is not a sin," Alma tucked her daughter's long red hair behind her ear.  
"What?" Alma Jr. hadn't considered this.

"Your father loved Jack, so much; he loved him with every fiber in his body. I don't believe your father was gay so much as that he was in love with another man."

"Then he was queer," Alma Jr. argued.  
"If you want to see it that way, yes, but the way I've come to terms with it is by seeing it as true love honey. I can't fault your father for that. I may still be hurt, I may never get over him, I may never stop wishing things had been different. Part of what I've learned through living life with your father in it Alma is that I can't change people. I can't change the things that I want so I have to live with them. I want him in your life, in Jenny's life, I'll forgive him for cheating, I'll forgive him for leaving, and I'll forgive him for moving on because it was what needed to happen."  
"But now?" Alma Jr. studied her mother.

"Now we move on together but apart. Sweetie, I want you to give your dad a chance to explain, I want you to give him a chance to show you what his life has been like."

"Okay," Alma Jr. took a deep breath, "I still don't know how you moved on."  
"When life gives you no other choice, you take whatever road is in front of you," Alma stood, "finish your work and get to bed, I'll see you in the morning."

"Mom," Alma Jr. hesitated.  
"Yes?"  
"Jenny needs to know," she waited.  
"That'll come with time," her mother left Alma Jr. to her thoughts.

The next morning:

"Mom Samuel just spit on my nice shirt," Jenny's voice echoed upstairs and Alma groaned. Somehow she'd managed to sleep through her alarm, she loved her daughters and was grateful Alma Jr. was managing but she was clearly needed. It was nice to be needed.

"Samuel," she scolded appearing in the kitchen in her robe.

The baby gurgled and she sighed, "I'll wash the shirt, go change, you're going to be late. Thank you for getting ready and trying to feed your brother."  
Once they left Alma fed Samuel and began the housework. She did her usual routine, shopping, window washing, library, the town committee, yard work and at 3:30 the girls arrived home.

"How was your day," she hugged both of them.  
"Fine," Jenny bounced inside to start her work.

"When's Dad coming by?" Alma Jr. asked.  
"I don't know honey, he might be by in the evening, maybe not."  
"You're okay with that?" Alma Jr. sighed.

"Go inside honey, don't worry about it."

The evening passed uneventfully and the girls took Samuel out for a walk before dinner. Alma was doing the dinner preparation dishes when the phone rang.

"What do you mean you don't want to come?"

Alma flinched at her husband's angry tone, "Monroe, I really don't want to uproot the girls with their father."

"He loves them Alma, almost as much as he loved…" his voice trailed off softly.

"I think we're finished here," she felt like her heart had been trampled on.

"Alma sweetheart, please wait. Please don't hang up," he was pleading.

"Monroe, you know I let go of that. He's the father of my children," she wiped the tears from her face. Suddenly she heard a gentle knock followed by an opening of her door. She turned and saw Ennis whose face, normally so placid, tinged with concern seeing her face.

"Sweetie, we'll continue this another time, the rice is burning and the girls need to eat soon so they can get to their play." She was surprised how easy it was to lie to him.

"Okay, I really am sorry sweetheart," Monroe sounded miserable, "I just miss you is all."

"I understand, goodbye," Alma hung up and turned off the rice.

"Alma, are you alright?" Her ex-husband was studying her carefully.

"I'm fine, it's nothing, and do you want dinner?" She avoided his gaze.

"Alma who was that," Ennis knew deep down it must have been Monroe, but the Monroe he knew wouldn't have made Alma cry.

"Dinner?" She hoped Ennis would stop asking.

"Alma if something is wrong, I can help," he was surprised at how easily this offer fell from his lips.

"Please leave it Ennis," she began setting the table and Ennis slowly pitched in.

"Mom," the girls and Samuel were back.

"In here," she called back.

"Dad?" Jenny embraced her father.

"Hi Dad," Alma Jr. wasn't quite sure how to take this constant presence in her life.

"Hi honey," Ennis knew Jenny was fairly ignorant to his past, but Alma Jr. was a great deal older and she knew a great deal more.

"Mom, are you okay?"

Alma glanced at her oldest daughter, "I'm fine sweetheart, and will you put Samuel in his high chair with a bib?"

"I'll do it, she needs to get cleaned up," Ennis spoke remembering after all these years that his girls were expected to be neat and tidy.

Alma struggled against her tears watching Ennis carefully put Samuel in his chair and then sat down playing with his fingers.

"Mom?" Alma Jr. was genuinely worried about her mother; she continually looked like she was fighting tears.

"Your step-father called," she said quietly to Alma Jr.

"What did he want?" Alma studied her mother.

"He wants us to move, he was disrespectful to your father," she turned towards her mixed family, "dinner is ready."  
"The blessing Jenny?" She raised her eyebrows ignoring her daughter's face.

"Lord, thank you for the gift of family, for Mom and Dad, Samuel, Monroe and Alma Jr. Thank you for this food, for this house, and please give to all who are in need," she hesitated, "please help us find true happiness in whatever way you see fit."

Alma hesitated, "Ennis would you like some wine?"

Ennis watched her eyes, she was guarding something, and she had been hurt.

"Sure, wine would be great," he answered.

The liquid poured blood red into the glass and the bottle trembled as it fell.


	11. Heavy judgements

Late that evening:

"Alma, you need anything?" Ennis had noticed throughout the meal that his ex-wife was really quiet although she made pleasant conversation.

"No, thank you for helping," she smiled briefly at him.

"I'm going to head out," he picked up his hat.

Always the good hostess she quickly walked towards him and he let her see him out.

"Alma, you'd tell me if there was something I needed to know right?" His eyes so saddened by the past fifteen years still mustered up some emotion.

"Of course," she brushed him off gently, "get some sleep."

"Yeah," he walked with a hunched over form to his truck.

Jenny had been sitting in her room observing her father leave. She was always more outgoing than Alma Jr. but she still noticed things. Her mother hadn't ever really explained to her children why she and Ennis had divorced. Jenny suspected, but she knew her sister would be able to confirm it.

"Come in," she entered Alma's room.

"Tell me about dad," she requested.

Alma stared at her sister, "what do you want to know?"  
"I want to know why he and mom divorced," she responded.

"Did you ask mom?" Alma Jr. prayed she wouldn't have to explain this.

Alma stopped mid-step in the hallway as she heard her daughters talking.

"No, she would lie to me; she would say it was something easy."

Alma bristled hearing that but realized her daughter was right.

"Jenny," Alma hesitated.

"What?"

"Dad didn't love her, he was in love with someone else," Alma finally said.

"That blonde waitress," her sister asked.

"No, the man he went to Brokeback with."

Alma held her breath.

"Jack Twist?" Jenny whispered.

"Yeah," Alma Jr. studied her baby sister, "he loved him."

"Isn't that wrong?" Jenny finally responded.

Alma waited for Jr.'s reaction.

"No," she said finally softly.

"It's not!" Jenny's voice rose and Alma flinched hearing it.

"No," Jr.'s voice had more conviction this time.

"Why?"

"He loved Jack."

"Jack was a guy," Alma smiled at Jenny's obvious remark.

"I know," her eldest daughter said softly, "but he was human and Dad found something in him to love."  
"What about mom?" Jenny's voice questioned.

Alma Jr. went quite.

Flashback

"Mommy," she remembered how sad her mother was looking.

Alma looked at her older daughter, "sweetie, can you change Jenny's diaper?"   
Ennis walked through the door and put his hat on the rack, "sorry I'm late," he said finally.

"Daddy," even at that age she knew there was tension between her parents.

"Hi pumpkin," he picked her up holding her close.

"Dinner is ready," Alma put Jenny in her hi-chair and went back into the kitchen. Ennis set Alma Jr. down and followed Alma into the kitchen. Alma Jr. walked quietly to the doorway and listened.

"Why are you so late?"

"I'm sorry Alma, work just got busy," her father sounded tired.

"Ennis, I feel like I'm losing you," her mother said softly.

"Gosh dang it Alma, I slave to make sure you got a house and our girls have clothes and food, now you're gonna nag me!" Her father sounded so impassioned.

"I'm sorry Ennis, it's just I feel like we never have anything to say to each other," she responded.

"Maybe we don't," Ennis turned away.

End flashback

"I don't think mom really had a life with dad," Alma Jr. said thoughtfully.

"What?" Jenny sounded confused.

"I mean honestly, dad and mom never talked like they do now. The marriage wasn't a warm one."

Alma cleared her throat stepping into the doorway.

"Mom," Jenny looked nervous.

"You girls finish your work?" She eyed them.

"Yes, I was just saying goodnight," Jenny hastened out.

"Night Jr." She kissed her older daughter and followed Jenny into her room.

"You okay sweetie?" she didn't want to press anything.

"Uh huh, good night," Alma smiled at her, "good night sleep tight," she gently tucked the covers in around Jenny and quietly closed the door.

Alma poured herself another glass of wine and sat quietly thinking about what Jr. had said. Her marriage with Ennis wasn't that close, he was the quiet cowboy, she was the dutiful wife. That was the life they had created for one another and it was never enough for either. She longed for what love he could give her, and he gave her little. She envied Jack Twist for the love Ennis gave him, but knew that the two men loved one another in a way she would never understand. She didn't love Monroe, and she had loved Ennis. She didn't miss the constant struggle life had been with Ennis, but she missed him. Alma sipped the wine allowing her mind to imagine what life would have been like without Jack Twist, but stopped when she realized she couldn't imagine Ennis without Jack. Jenny wouldn't understand the love they had, Alma Jr. did, but Jenny would judge her father. Alma knew this without question; yet she hoped someday that Ennis could help Jenny understand as she did, maybe by going to Brokeback. Alma secretly wished she could visit the special place, but she admitted she had no right going there. She may have been the wronged wife, but she had never been the love of her husband's life. Alma almost laughed at that particular thought, but stopped herself remembering her husband's smile as he walked in the door after each of those damn fishing trips. She knew they had fucked, kissed, and held each other and there was nothing she could do to change that. The worst part though had always known he would return happier than when he left, and it was never because he was coming home to her. That had hurt her the most, time after time. He would slowly become the sullen Ennis in the days and weeks that followed until the next time he would pack up the fishing box and return grinning with no fish days later.

She remembered what it was like in the early days before that summer. Ennis had been quiet, but he was loving, even open and warm. Jack had stolen that from her and Ennis had returned a changed man. Certainly he married her, they were engaged and he had some honor. The night after the vows, he made love to her, but it was quiet, respectful and quick. Alma remembered crying just days later as he left her to go to work. She was pregnant with Alma Jr. just weeks after the wedding. Life moved quickly forward and soon she was pregnant with number two. Ennis was always delighted with the idea of children and good with the girls, but he wasn't an involved father and left Alma to raise them. In those awful years he distanced himself from her and then back came Jack Twist. The two men started an affair that had gone on until just weeks before Jack's tragic death. She knew it was an affair, maybe not the standard situation, but an affair none the less. Town folk saw Ennis walking around with the cute waitress and tongues stopped wagging briefly. Alma knew he never had slept with her though, he would never touch another woman and if he did sleep with another man it would tear at his guilt until he would try to die.

Alma worried about him, she knew he was depressed, but her life wasn't easy either. She hoped a divorce would rid of her of this conflict, but she knew that was naïve. Her daughters were Ennis's too and there would always be that tie between them.

She finished her wine and rinsed the glass. She looked out the window and jumped, Ennis was parked in the driveway.

"Ennis?" she approached his truck.

"Alma," he couldn't finish.

"The couch is yours," she offered.

"I have to go," he studied her.

"Ennis please," she begged.

He drove off throwing up stones as he pulled out of the driveway.

Alma sighed worriedly and then went to bed.

The ringing of the phone pulled her out of a sound sleep, "yes?"

"Ma'am are you Ennis Del Mar's ex-wife Alma?"

"Yes what's wrong."  
"This is Officer Mark Duram, Mr. Del Mar has been in a serious accident."


	12. The Darkest Depths

Alma hung up feeling numb, she should have known. She steadied herself and walked up to Alma Jr.'s room.

"Sweetie," she put her hand on her daughter's back.

"Mom, what is it," Alma sat up quickly.

"Baby, daddy was in an accident and I need to go to the hospital. I need you to stay here in case your brother or sister wakes up and need anything."

"Is dad okay?" naked fear was in Alma Jr.'s eyes.

"I don't know, they wouldn't tell me over the phone," she desperately wanted to reassure her eldest child, but was unable to find the words.

"Call as soon as you can," Jr. said finally.

"Of course," Alma hastened down the stairs grabbing her keys with trembling hands.

On the way to the hospital she struggled to focus on her driving. Alma was torn between anger and fear. She couldn't lose Ennis, for all the trials he'd put her through, he was her first lover, her children's father, and someone who could see right through her. Monroe wasn't the man of her dreams, but he was the one who'd saved her. Her marriage to Ennis wasn't one of love, certainly not to him, not after Brokeback. Most days she forgave him unconditionally because her love for him had not ended. Days like this, she was forced to acknowledge the role in her life he still played. It was only natural after giving birth to two of his children and sharing a life that he would remain a part of her life and she a part of his. This role of confidant was not standard of an ex-wife, she realized this. Nothing, she noted wryly, was standard about her and Ennis. She wasn't suppose to divorce him because he was in love and sleeping with another man, he was not supposed to lose said man to what one could only assume was a hate crime and she wasn't suppose to be the one rushing to his side. He had no one else but her. What did that make her now?

She pulled into the parking spot and dashed inside.

"Ennis Del Mar?"

"Yes he's in room 106," the nurse pointed in the direction.

She wasn't prepared for the sight of him in the bed. His arm was in a sling and his breathing shallow. He looked like death and she wondered briefly if it was an accident. Shaking her head of the thoughts nagging at her she studied him; there would be time for those questions later.

"Alma," she looked up at the kind doctor.

He checked his chart, "he was bleeding internally, and he's stable but critical."

"Will he be alright," she whispered.

"Yes, he should recover, but it will take time. He's depressed Alma, you may know that."  
"I do," she responded softly.

"You can stay until he wakes up," the doctor left her alone with Ennis.

Ennis was aware of voices, was it Jack?

"Jack?" he whispered, how desperately he missed him, the man who knew him, could see in his eyes pain and challenged him to learn about his own inner being, taken so cruelly.

There was no answer and tears welled up. He was in pain, what had happened, why wasn't Jack here?

"Ennis," he heard a female voice and forced himself to focus.

"Alma," he murmured.

"You're going to be alright," she said.

"I'm so tired," he choked out.

"Sleep," she touched his hand, "just sleep."

Everything went black.

Once Alma was sure he had drifted back to sleep she allowed the tears to flow. For years she'd pitied, but ultimately blamed other women whose husbands cheated on them. Certainly they were to blame for not keeping their spouses happy. Now she realized what pain they must be in when they were not the ones whose name rolled off their lovers' tongues.

Jack, he had called out for him and she responded. Was he upset, angry, sad to hear her voice instead? Was he wishing he was dead, entering the world beyond where Jack would be waiting? She hated asking these questions, but she lived with them and now they were tormenting her. Exiting the room she made her way to the phone and called Alma Jr. praying she didn't wake up her other children.

"Mom," she detected the frantic note.

"He's alright sweetheart, don't wake up your siblings, I'll be home in the morning."

"He's going to be okay?"

"Physically he'll be fine," Alma reassured her.

"But…" there was the inevitable question.

"I don't know," Alma was honest.

"Okay, bye mom, give him our love," her daughter let her off the hook.

"I love you baby," Alma struggled to keep her composure.

"Love you too," the phone line went dead.

Alma Jr. hung up, she was too wired to go back to sleep. Her dad was going to be okay. Her mother's voice scared her though; it was full of anguish, fear, and uncertainty. She knew her mom well, the calmness, the composure, the love and the guidance Alma provided for her daughters was invaluable. She was always there for them, and had all the answers. This time, she didn't. Alma Jr. knew something was wrong with Ennis. She could feel the aura that surrounded him and it was dark. Jack Twist died a little over a year ago, and he took her father from them. Or had he taken Ennis years before their family even existed?

She couldn't remember a time when her dad was ever really with them. There were times, holidays, or outings where he interacted and doted on them, but they were few and far between. Jack Twist came back into the picture when she was fairly young, reappeared and took whatever shred of Ennis that had been invested in their family.

Why couldn't she hate Jack Twist? She knew Jenny resented him, but probably more because he was a man and their father loved him. If it was a woman, Jenny wouldn't have liked her either. Alma Jr. was forced to acknowledge she didn't hate Jack; she couldn't hate someone that her father loved so dearly. She was Ennis's daughter, Jenny was Alma's. This simple fact made her unable to disapprove of her father. Yes, her mother had been hurt, but she knew that if her dad had any choice, any real true choice he wouldn't have wanted to hurt them. He wasn't that sort of man. So why did he break their family apart, tear her mother's heart into pieces and choose Jack over them?

Alma Jr. hadn't known true love, not personally, and she was rarely exposed to it, but she believed that her father loved Jack with a certain passion and need that surpassed all rationality.

The fact that Ennis lost Jack, lost that connection, brought her to a terrifying realization. Her father tried to take his own life; he was so desperate to end his loneliness because nothing mattered. Again, she tried to hate him for not caring about his family, and yet again she was forced to face the strength of the bond he shared with Jack. She knew Ennis loved them, and she loved her father so much it hurt. The idea that he wanted to leave that badly shook her to her core and her heart twisted imagining the hell he lived in every single day.

Tears were rolling down her cheeks as she sat in the gradually lightning room and that's how Alma found her when she arrived home.


	13. Deep Suspicions and a Request

Chapter 13: Deep Suspicion and a Request

"Sweetie," Alma knelt next to her daughter.

"He tried to kill himself didn't he," Jr.'s face was blank and she was staring straight ahead.

"We don't know sweetie," Alma was telling her the truth.

"I do mom, it makes all the sense in the world," Jr. couldn't stop the tears from following.

"You shouldn't assume that until you've talked to him," Alma scolded gently although she honestly couldn't blame her daughter.

"You don't need to go to school," she told her finally.  
"No I'm going," Jr. bolted upstairs to wake Jenny.

That day she spent all of her time wondering what to say to her father when she went to visit him. Her mom picked her up at school, Jenny wasn't in the car.

"Jenny's not coming?" she knew it was foolish to ask, her sister probably didn't know what to say.

"She felt she wanted to wait until he was feeling better," Alma replied.

The rest of the ride was spent in silence until they parked at the hospital.

"What should I say to him?" Alma Jr. sat motionless in the front seat.

"He's your father, just tell him you love him," Alma wasn't sure what else to tell her.

"Do you know yet, if he tried to kill himself?" Jr. looked at her mother.

"We haven't talked about that," Alma looked straight ahead fighting tears.

Jr. climbed out and made her way across the parking lot into the hospital.

"Del Mar?" she asked.

"106," the nurse directed her into the room.

Ennis was staring out the window, but turned to her when she came in.

"Sweetheart," he said softly, and he held out his arms.

Alma ran into them, "Dad," she couldn't speak she was so choked up.

"It's okay, I'm going to be fine," he reassured her.

"Really?" she pulled away and her eyes met his, red and filled with tears.

"Yeah honey," he had the same gruff Ennis tone.

"Dad did you…?" she trailed off.

"Did I what?" he asked finally.

She couldn't figure out how to finish the question, what was he going to say to her. He wasn't going to admit it if he was attempting suicide.

"Jr.?" he promoted trying to meet her eyes.

Ennis's POV:

She looked defeated when she came in, like the world had crashed in around her. As hard as my pain was to deal with I ached knowing I was responsible for hurting my own blood. She flew into my arms when I held them out. I wasn't always the most affectionate father, especially as the girls grew up, but there are some things a father can't ignore or brush off, and tears are one of them. Jr. may be growing up, much to fast for my liking, but she was so thin in my arms and her body was trembling. I didn't know what to say, but I knew what I should say, "It's okay, I'm going to be fine." Was I lying? It didn't matter to me, so long as she felt better.

"Really," it was a question, but her eyes held so many more questions for me that I had to struggle to face her.

"Yeah honey," my voice was choked up, gruff even and I wanted to conversation to end.

She glanced down and then back, "Dad did you?" I saw her body tense and knew that she was struggling with an inquiry that we both dreaded. She wanted to know if I crashed on purpose, I prayed then. I prayed to a God I detested, had cursed as early as yesterday, that she would not ask what I knew she wanted to. Jr. would be better of not having to wonder, but I believed the answer would destroy her. Please don't ask me baby, please.

End Ennis's POV:

"Did you ever think of taking me or Jenny to Brokeback," she wasn't sure where that came from, but she knew watching him she couldn't ask him such a morbid question. She didn't want to know the answer that she knew deep down.

Ennis tensed, "Sweetie I don't think that's such a great idea," he finally said although he looked oddly relieved.

"Please," she looked directly at him, "I want to see it," she said softly.

"I'm not bringing Jenny," he concluded finally.

"Someday you should," she responded hesitantly.

"We'll leave when I get out of the hospital," Ennis decided.

One week later:

"He's taking just you," Jenny struggled between jealousy and relief.

"I know you want to go, and I think he will someday, but I don't think you'd want to now Jenny. You should wait a little while before you do this with him until you feel more at ease with the entire situation. I think you'll appreciate what dad's sharing with you more if that happened first." Alma Jr. felt so bad leaving her sister without answers, but she knew Jenny needed more time.

Jenny hated to admit how right her sister was, "yeah ok. Have fun."

"Jenny," Alma took a deep breath, "this isn't one of those fun trips, that's the difference between us right now. I know what's at stake; you need the time to understand what this is really about. I'm looking forward to spending time with dad, and I'll give him your love of course."

Jr.'s POV:

Ever since that day at the hospital I wondered why I couldn't ask him the question. It wasn't the time I reasoned, but I needed to know for myself. Brokeback was a huge step for my dad, I was going to be the first and I prayed somehow I would understand why my dad could imagine leaving us. Jenny didn't know anything about this, and I didn't want her to think this was a joy trip to a favored fishing spot she was going to be excluded from because she was too young, she really wouldn't understand and Dad needs understanding at this point.

Alma's POV:  
Ennis just pulled up. I visited him after Alma came out. She looked oddly calm, but still on edge.

"Dad's taking me to Brokeback," she said softly.

I wanted to shield my daughters from their father's behavior until so recently, but now that I began to understand him I can't do that anymore. This is so hard to say yes to, but its right and it's happening now.

"Ennis," I walked up to the truck.

"She coming?" he looked tense.

"Yes, thank you," I smile softly and he nods adjusting his hat slightly on his head.

"It's about damn time Alma, I just don't know what to tell her when we get there."  
"Ennis, I don't think you need to say anything, let her feel what she feels and answer questions if she has them. She needs to know, but this level of trust takes a lot of time."

He nods curtly, "I'll take good care of her Alma."  
Bless him he knows, knows that I fear what will happen to her when she's with him driving all that way, but he loves her and he knows me now. It isn't cruelty that's making me fear for her safety, it's knowing how awful he feels and hoping he doesn't have a breakdown.

End Alma's POV:

Alma packed up her clothes and camping equipment and walked out to the truck throwing it in, "bye mom," she gave her a hug.

"Have a good time sweetie," Alma watched her climb in the truck with Ennis forcing the fear out of her voice, "Ennis do drive carefully."  
"I have precious cargo Alma I will," he managed a quick smile and put the truck in gear.

Alma sighed to herself; they were almost back to a familial style relationship.

Just then she heard the phone ring, "Hello," she was greeted by an unpleasant reality.

"I'm coming home for two weeks," it was Monroe.

"That's great sweetie," she replied, "see you soon."

Monroe was due to arrive the next evening from London. Alma sighed; Jr. and Ennis would be back two days after that, then what would happen then?

Samuel started crying and Jenny came down the stairs.

"Cindy and I are going to a movie," she headed out the door.

"Bye," Alma called and turned to her son, "daddy's coming home," she wished she could be excited about it.

"Dada," the little boy grinned up at her and Alma managed to return it.


End file.
